In this very challenging economic time, I’ve had many of my inner circle of friends pull me aside quietly and ask my advice about some pretty tough problems. Recently, a good friend came to me claiming to be deep in credit card debt. Bless his heart, he was the most concerned about how he would tell his girlfriend about his enormous credit card debt and the fact that he would most likely have to file for bankruptcy. My friend is a great person, and I really feel for him.

Last year, I dated a guy whom I was crazy about, the seemingly “perfect man”. We had so much in common, he was gorgeous, got along famously – you get the picture. All the sudden he disappeared on me, literally dropped off the face of the earth. Subsequently, I found he that he was in the midst of a severe financial crisis, including having his car repossessed, and couldn’t tell me. Our break up wasn’t due to the fact that he was in financial trouble. Even when confronted, he lied to me to cover things up and also didn’t trust me enough to ask me for help.

Back in 1995, I filed a bankruptcy myself. When I began dating a fine young gentleman at that time, I was very embarrassed to tell him about it, but fortunately, he was overwhelmingly supportive. Believe me, I understand how hard it is to tell someone you love about money troubles, but if they care about you, all will be well.

So how do you tell your spouse or significant other about your debt problems? Especially if it’s as bad as a bankruptcy, large amount of credit card debt or the fact that you walked away from your mortgage? Here are some tips:

1. Prepare to tell the whole truth. Revealing the gory details a little at a time many seem like a series of small betrayals rather than one, no matter how big the first revelation is. It’s better to get it over with.

2. Pick the right time. During the heat of an argument or on vacation is not the best time. You may want to ask to set up a time to discuss something important, so your significant other can brace themselves for a serious talk. Ensure the atmosphere is peaceful and non-threatening.

3. Listen attentively. What is your loved one thinking? Be prepared for any potential response because this may be quite a shock to him or her. Listen without responding, even if there is a time of silence.

4. Ask for forgiveness. It’s not just the fact that you may have put both of you in financial trouble. Omissions of facts can definitely be considered a form of lying. You’re going to have to admit that you should have been up front about your situation.

5. Be accountable. Admit your problems and seek help. Commit to a credit or debt counseling service (there are many of free services out there).

6. Continue to communicate honestly after the fact. Don’t be defensive if your significant other asks for updates. Try to interpret their interest as support (it is, or they’d be gone by now). When the crisis is over and wounds have healed, continue to seek your loved one’s counsel.

I really recommend coming clean, as soon as you are able. And for the record, the largest amount of credit card debt that someone has ever told me about is $500,000 (though admittedly not a significant other). Yep, you read that number right. If you have any other thoughts for people in this situation, leave a comment!

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