Obviously we are joking (to some degree) but certainly money, finances, and spending habits can play a huge part in the health and longevity of a marriage. Typically, one or another of the spouses becomes the “money handler” in large part by default as it seems opposites attract, and that usually means that one spouse will be be much better suited for the job than the other. So one spouse may take the reins in this case, ranging from full control to somewhere in between, and everyone lives happily ever after without late payments or debt. Or do they?

A good friend of mine recently came to me in confidence, in need of serious credit and debt counseling (not to mention divorce advice). Her story is so indicative of what can happen when one spouse takes complete control of the financial situation (warranted or not), sometimes to such an extreme that the other spouse may likely become resentful over time — sometimes, without even really knowing it. So the question is, what is the best way to handle the financial situation when you have a mate that can’t handle money?

The key is good communication, combined with building a solid plan together that will work for both of your styles and needs. As evidenced in my friend’s case, the “dictatorship” style of controlling the ship seemed to slowly sink it over time, despite nearly 15 years of hanging in there. Sadly, the rules and restrictions that she imposed caused her spouse to start applying for credit cards secretly (he would get ahold of the “pre-approval” offers that would come in the mail, before she got home, and apply for these. She eventually had her mail transferred to her business address to avoid the potential of him obtaining another (secret) credit card, which she had to take out a second mortgage on her house to pay off once she found out what had been going on. He felt as though he had to beg for simple spending money for lunch, so clearly it was an unhappy, destined to fail way of handling the situation.

But let’s get back to discussing ways to create and develop a strong fiscal partnership, with respect and communication on both sides. Here is a list of recommended steps you and your partner should follow to establish this:

Discuss and determine a primary goal or set of goals you both agree on. What are the household priorities? Saving for a new home or car? Children’s education? Paying off outstanding debt? Prioritize and make an agreement on these items.

Discuss financial matters on a daily basis. Both spouses should be involved, and aware of the monetary expenditures and issues. If there is a weekly or monthly budget established, the progress should be discussed and tracked so both partners are aware.

Be flexible and considerate of each other’s needs. In other words, if one partner really has strong feelings for requiring an expenditure on something that the other feels is not a necessity, be willing to negotiate something in exchange.

Find the tasks that each partner is best at, and segregate duties effectively. Each person will likely have strong points in different areas, so take advantage of those and plan financial tasks accordingly.

These actions should take place as early in the marriage (or relationship) as possible, to establish good basis of financial habits from the get-go. Even better, read this valentines day blog post from earlier this year for some warnings and advice about evaluating your potential mate’s spending and financial habits prior to even taking that step. Obviously, these steps will not ensure that all relationships suceed monetarily, but it is a good start.

Readers, do you have any advice for smoothing the road during a marriage as far as financial matters? Share your experience with a comment!

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