someonesomewhere

20 ways to monkey with telemarketers

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What's it worth?

"Now before I listen to your pitch, there are a few things we need to cover. My minimum rate for listening is $35 an hour. Of course, I can offer you upgrades that give you additional benefits, as well as a greater chance that I may buy what you are selling. The deluxe package is $55 per hour and offers a 2 percent chance of purchase, and the super-deluxe package is $75 per hour, and offers a 3 percent chance of purchase. Now before we get to that, I will need you to send in an application as well as a minimal application fee of $55. You will also need to include with your payment a $35 payment for a credit report. Once your credit has been approved, I will be able to accept your non-refundable good-faith security deposit, which I require, of $100. After closing, and you have paid my standard closing costs of $250, we will then be able to proceed with your sales pitch. Can I sign you up?"

:LolPointUp: This one is GREAT!!! I love it!!!! :D

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What's it worth?

"Now before I listen to your pitch, there are a few things we need to cover. My minimum rate for listening is $35 an hour. Of course, I can offer you upgrades that give you additional benefits, as well as a greater chance that I may buy what you are selling. The deluxe package is $55 per hour and offers a 2 percent chance of purchase, and the super-deluxe package is $75 per hour, and offers a 3 percent chance of purchase. Now before we get to that, I will need you to send in an application as well as a minimal application fee of $55. You will also need to include with your payment a $35 payment for a credit report. Once your credit has been approved, I will be able to accept your non-refundable good-faith security deposit, which I require, of $100. After closing, and you have paid my standard closing costs of $250, we will then be able to proceed with your sales pitch. Can I sign you up?"

Had to be my favorite!! I think I'll try this one next time!

ETA: Beat me to it MasterP... I bow to your quick fingers ;)

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Couple of more random good ideas on this subject.

1) This one is good for folks you wanna start monkeying, but are a little apprehensive or think their sense of timing is a bit off.

Answer "Hello" to everything the telemarketer says. Nothing else. Answer the phone, "Hello." They start their pitch. "Hello." They offer the stars and moon. "Hello." Usually ticks 'em off and they hang up after 5 or 6 tries.

2) When telephone company and long distance company telemarketers call. "Heh, do you guys have something like the AT&T Friends and Family plan because I've always wanted a little brother."

3) When telephone company and long distance company telemarketers call and offer to save you X cents a minute.

You: "Well, that certainly does interest me. Is that all the time? I mean 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year?"

Caller: "Yes sir. All the time."

You: "Can you tell me when I'll get my first check? Also, how frequently will I get paid? Weekly? Monthly? Annual? If it's annual, could you advance me part of the first year's payment?"

Caller: "What?"

You: "Well, I mean if you've going to save me X cents a minute, that's going to add up to a LOT of money. Thousands or even tens of thousands of dollars a year. Can the money be directly deposited into my account? Gosh, I just have so many questions. I mean do you guys pay the taxes on the money you're going to pay me?"

4) After "Hello", and the telemarketer begins their pitch, say "I don't speak any English, at all." Just keep repeating, "I don't speak any English, at all." If you're a real SOB, like me, you'll do it with no discernible accent, at all.

5) Having young kids who like straws, there is often a cup of juice or milk with a straw sitting on the counter. If you've ever watched "Fast Times At Ridgemont High", you know Jeff Spicoli (Sean Jenn's character) as the ultimate stoner. Blowing bubbles thru the straw, well, it creates a noise that would be familiar to stoners. "Whoa, bud, it's like, mondo head rush time, and stuff. I've got like some major munchies now dude."

Other over the top characters from the movies who are great for these purposes, Col. Jessep (Jack Nicholson in "A Few Good Men"), Ignatowski (Christopher Lloyd in "Taxi"), Tony Montana (Al Pacino in "Scarface"). Actually, Al Pacino from most of his flicks is a great character to try out.

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I was inspired with yet another fun way to monkey with telemarketers. It helps if you first rent the movie "Supertroopers". However, if you haven't seen it, there's a scene where one of the cops stops someone and monkeys with them by inserting the word "meow" into each sentence.

"License and registration, please meow."

"Do you know how fast meow you were going?"

"Are you meow backtalking me?"

You need to be quick with your thoughts and words, but there are degrees of obnoxiousness to which you can stoop with this one.

There's the very subtle insertion.

"Wow, that sounds great. What can you tell me meow about your timeshares?"

There's the roadblock they are going to have a tough time ignoring.

"So do mean that I'll be able to meow?"

Then, for the ultimate in obnoxious, which should guarantee a hang up.

"Well then, meow, if I could meow, so long as meow and then you meow."

If you can refrain from laughing during the call, you'll be hurting with laughter afterwards.

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My brother tried telemarketing for about 2 weeks, he said people cursed him out soo bad. He thought it was funny and got a kick out of it. He still messes around with them when they bother him.

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:ancient:

Had a telephone market research firm call me last night. I put the phone on speaker, which I think in and of itself was an overt effort, on my part, to try and convey rudeness. Went something like this. The ellipsis is filler because I only listened with half an ear, at best.

Them: Hi, we're with ... market research ... are you the male head of the household?

Me: Yes

Them: Do you ... take decisions ... about shoe purchases?

Me: Yes

Them: Do you work for ... <long list of companies rattled off>

Me: Yes

Them: You do? Oh, which one?

Me: Umm, that last one.

Them: Market research?

Me: Yes

Them: Thank you for your time.

She didn't sound too happy as she hung up, like I wasn't taking her seriously or something. Not sure where she got that from. In hindsight, I should have had her repeat her long list of companies. At least once. And then asked, "No, wait, like, what was that one company in the middle?"

Oh well. Next time I'll ice the cake.

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Omg these are funny.....

Had something creepy happen to me yesterday....

TruGreen Chemlawn called me on my office phone. Now, mind you, they had called me the day before looking for a Ms. Ball. I said there is no Ms. Ball that has this number and they said "Thank you" and hung up. The caller ID clearly showed "TruGreen" and their number the first time they called. Here's where it gets weird....

I get a call from them last night, which I missed because I was mowing the lawn and came back inside to find the missed call message on my phone. Okay... fine. I check the caller ID to see who it was that called. I got totally creeped out when I saw the phone number and then my own name on the caller id... xxxx.xxxxxxxxx

So I called the number and the TruGreen people answered.

Me: Did someone at your business just call my number?

Rep: What's your number?

Me: xxx-xxx-xxxx

Rep: "nope, that number is not in our registry."

Me: Are you sure? Because I have YOUR number showing up as a missed call on MY phone, but it has MY name on the caller ID right above YOUR phone number. Care to figure that one out?

Rep: That's really strange.

Me: Yeah, it's creepin me out. Ya know?

Rep: Okay, hold on....

Jeremy - CS Rep: Hi, I hear we called your number?

So I go through the whole thing again with Jeremy. He says he'll take my number out of their registry - Hmm... thought it wasn't in there to begin with - and he'll let his field manager know what happened.

So I said ok and got the managers name and hung up.... Hopefully I won't get telemarketing calls from TruGreen anymore.

it's just so creepy seeing my own name and someone elses number on the caller ID.

This ever happen to anyone else?

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I'm a dork but I like to say "sounds like an excellent offer, but have you ever considered owning your own business [sincerely], I would like to offer you a chance to become an Amway distrubutor. You will make a fortune."

I've said this about half a dozen times, and I don't do it sacrastically but enthusiastically, there's always about a ten second pause, and they say "well, I already have a job, that's why I'm calling." Then I tell them they could be working for themselves and man, they can't get off the phone fast enough. Funny thing is, I've never had the same telemarketing company call twice. :roflmao:

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I finally got a telemarketing call, after reading this post. I used the Andy Milanokis bit where he's interviewing someone- lets them talk for about 2 seconds- says "stop"- few second pause-"ok- go ahead"- then keeps stopping and starting the conversation- really throws them off. It was the dreaded- Do you want to lower your credit card payments calls. Needless to say- she hung upon me- not the usual other way around!!

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A friend of mine tried to sell a telemarketer some magazine subscriptions that her daughter was selling.

She told the telemarketer that, "yes, that sounds like a good deal, but if I do this will you buy a magazine subscription from my daughter to help her church?"

She said that the guy became tongue tied and got off the phone ASAP.

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An idea for telemarketer tormentors.

You: Hello?

Caller: Hi, may I speak with Bob Jones?

You: May I ask who is calling?

Caller: This is Frida Maynard with Marketing Mania Maniacs.

You: Hang on a sec.

<Set the phone down. Wait 10-15 seconds. Pick up, and don't even pretend to disguise your voice.>

You: Hello?

Caller: Hi, is this Bob Jones?

You: Who?

Caller: Bob Jones?

You: No, sorry. This is Bob Rhamsey. Just a minute. I'll get him.

<Phone down. Wait another 10-15 seconds.>

You: Hello?

Caller: Hi, am I speaking with Bob Jones?

You: Yes, hi, this is Bob Jones.

Caller: Hi Bob, this is Frida Maynard with Marketing Mania Maniacs. Do you have a few minutes?

You: Sure.

Caller: Well, let me tell you about ...

You: Wow, that's sounds cool. But, see, I'm just visiting. I don't live here. I think you wanna talk to the homeowner.

Caller: Aren't you Bob Jones?

You: Oh, wait. Sorry. They gave you the wrong Bob Jones. Wait just a minute. I'll get him.

Telemarketer's patiences probably won't last this long, but it's the road down which this little skit takes them.

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If your spouse hates talking to telemarketers, this one is great to use when they call for your spouse. Let's assume you're Dave and your wife's name is Carol.

Dave: Hello?

Caller: May I speak with Carol?

Dave: Speaking.

Caller: Umm, Carol?

Dave: Yes.

Caller: Are you the female head of the household?

Dave: Yes.

Caller: Well, I'm calling about your current choice in femine products.

Dave: Great. The stuff I'm using just ain't getting the job done.

Don't put on a falsetto or anything. In fact, guys try to make your voice sound a bit manlier. Make the caller think they've reached a former member of the East German women's olympic team.

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Just keep it simple. As "Carol", with a man's voice, the telemarketer is thinking WTH? But what can they do? Ask?

Caller: Excuse me, but are you a woman?

You: Of course I'm a woman. You want me to prove it?

But don't hang up. And stick to the manly voice. Let them linger in discomfort.

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I'm sure they hate their jobs. I'd hate to do their jobs. I just tell them "no, thank you," firmly, three times if I have to and then hang up. 99/100 times they will politely say goodbye and mutually end the call after the 3rd no thank you, but if not, they get a quiet click.

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For the most part I agree. I did telemarketing about 25 years ago. The kindest way to deal with an unwanted telemarketer is to just say 'No, thanks' and hang up before they can reply.

The telemarketing firm I worked for back then had VERY strict ethics rules, and very high ethical standards.

HOWEVER, I have discovered over the years most telemarketing firms, or at least most telemarketers, are not nearly as ethical. For example, I once lived in a state which I knew had very strict telemarketing laws. I knew what the laws were. Not one of the telemarketers who called me followed the law. Not one. In cases like that, you know you're dealing with scum, so anything goes.

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I wonder what they do when they get a dv in a foreign language.

I mean there's no law that says it must be in english. Would be fun to find out, I wonder what cras would do.

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A foreign language DV could potentially backfire. A larger CA probably has folks who speak an assortment of languages, and they might well just have that person read your DV and write the response--in the foreign language. Explaining "smart aleck" to a judge could prove detrimental to your case.

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Why not just claim "clerical mistake" if lawyers can get away with it why can't we?

Also I think you give these JDBs too much credit, they wouldn't waste time translating it, they would most likely toss it. If they can't even bother to validate debts when asked to do so in english what would make anyone think they'd even take 5 mins to translate one in a foreign tongue?

I would love it if they did though, I think id pee my pants if a dv written in romasch dialect was responded to in same lang. Gosh I might even pay it just for the effort, lol!

I would actually think the jdb and courts would want to tread very carefully before calling someone a "smart alec" over use of foreign language, they would not want to open open racial and or cultural, religious, or other civil liberty issues by accusing someone of "smart aleciness" over choice of language.

It could also open up other issues like how several major banks, major credit cards and related creditors are multi national companies, and some even have applications in spanish here in the united states.

While I bet they may be annoyed they most likely wouldn't openly chastise you.

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