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Would you be offended?


Sultan
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if your 70+ year old mother hung up on you?

The good


  • Mom is mom, we have a great bond, I'd do anything I could for her if she needed and I think she would do anything for me or any of her children


  • Mom is a very strong willed woman


  • Mom hasn't had vices like alcohol or drugs of any type and has set a great example that way


  • Mom is self sufficient physically and financially

The bad


  • Mom has made poor choices with men since my father died / they separated, etc. Some of her picks have been real users


  • My 2 older brothers are leaches and not very successful in a financial aspect, my sisters are married and have homes & husbands


  • Mom's stubbornness while it drives her and protects her also tends to get in the way of healthy interpersonal relationships


  • Mom's very skeptical (almost paranoid sometimes) ((can't blame her)) the older she gets the more it seems like she has a hard time differentiating those who are fair from those who are leaches / users

Long story short, mom hired someone to do some work on her house, they over charged her and did substandard work, I've been speaking to her on the phone about it, I looked up the license of the contractor online and its expired, I told her that she was already hopped up she wasn't adding the amounts he charged her correctly, I was totally looking out for her and getting her back and she some how started venting on me as though I'd done something wrong or I'm the enemy or bad guy here (don't kill the messenger mom) I told her I needed to wrap the call up while she was talking agitated which in turn got me agitated (my family just stepped in the door to add to the mix) I said I needed to go a second time she got quiet and then hung up on me.

I know she does this routine with my flaky oldest brother (he's a real game player, has the emotional maturity of a teen ager some times) I'm so not OK with her doing this to me, I seriously plan to establish a boundary with her and make it very clear that I will not tolerate being hung up on and doing this dance that she does with oldest brother.

UG! I know i'm a little pinched right now, am I looking at this right? am I being too harsh .. after all it is my mother.

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Sorry to hear that Sultan.

DH's mom is like that. When he tries to point out some things only because he is looking out for her she gets all upset. Has your mother been pretty much self-sufficient? DH's mom had to pick up and move on when DH's dad comitted suicide when DH was 18 yrs old. Since then she's pretty much taken care of herself and we figured when we try to help her she gets insulted. Maybe your mom is just feeling abit upset at herself for allowing this to happen to her. Perhaps she feels she should have been smarter about it.:dunno: Hang in there Sultan, I'm sure she knows you love her and are only trying to look out for her best interest. Hopefully she'll come around. ;)

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Mom's are hard to understand with the maternal instinct. It's not a differentiation problem so much as it is seeing one child in need more than another and acting accordingly. It sounds like the issue with you is respect and wanting to be acknowledged for having made better choices than your siblings, though in order to do that she would have to feel she had made all good decisions and was in a position to say it with any authority or meaning.

At any rate, you're both too old to carry the old mother-son structure and should focus more on a friendship, there should be no expectations one way or the other from either of you. Provided you don't need anything from her and vice-versa, just focus on being kind and supportive and the recognition will come... plus you'll have a better relationship for the long haul. Be her rock, but don't fall on her.

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Sorry to hear that Sultan.

DH's mom is like that. When he tries to point out some things only because he is looking out for her she gets all upset. Has your mother been pretty much self-sufficient? DH's mom had to pick up and move on when DH's dad comitted suicide when DH was 18 yrs old. Since then she's pretty much taken care of herself and we figured when we try to help her she gets insulted. Maybe your mom is just feeling abit upset at herself for allowing this to happen to her. Perhaps she feels she should have been smarter about it.:dunno: Hang in there Sultan, I'm sure she knows you love her and are only trying to look out for her best interest. Hopefully she'll come around. ;)

Yeah shes very independent and has been self-sufficient, she's taking a computer class and drives at 71 heh, go mom! lol any way I think you have a point, maybe shes a little embarrassed so she goes on the offense out of defensiveness (people tend to do that in life I've learned) thx for the input, RM I 'm feeling better about this already. ;)

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Mom's are hard to understand with the maternal instinct. It's not a differentiation problem so much as it is seeing one child in need more than another and acting accordingly. It sounds like the issue with you is respect and wanting to be acknowledged for having made better choices than your siblings, though in order to do that she would have to feel she had made all good decisions and was in a position to say it with any authority or meaning.

At any rate, you're both too old to carry the old mother-son structure and should focus more on a friendship, there should be no expectations one way or the other from either of you. Provided you don't need anything from her and vice-versa, just focus on being kind and supportive and the recognition will come... plus you'll have a better relationship for the long haul. Be her rock, but don't fall on her.

Whoa. This is a switch from your usual humorous antics out of the blue you peg this one like an expert. (I thought you were a pharmacist or something not a shrink) lol

Seriously though, more good input for me. I appreciate that.

Actually while I've been the most financially independent of her sons we do have a symbiotic relationship, she helped us buy our first house back in California 10 years ago (we're in Nevada now) I dialed in her credit so she could refinance her house, I'm actually in the trades I've done a considerable amount of work on her properties (she owns a few) last year I went and rehabbed one of her rentals, ran an add and screened/found her new tenants, etc. I have 3 rentals of my own, it gets tough juggling everything and running my own business or I'd of been there instead of this shyster who did the work unlicensed.

So thats the back-ground.

I like the idea of being a rock, lord knows my 2 older brothers are thorns at best (i'm not jealous of them, seems they have always been of me though) even if I sound like i'm resentful I'm not, more let down than any thing.

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I'm in the same boat Sultan.

I have 3 sisters, 2 are total leeches...Mom has never trusted me for any financial advice...I own several homes and have my own business..and I have been happily married for 22 years.

My Mother and sisters squandered 144,000 in insurance from my dad in less than 5 years...she has not made responsible choices with her finances and when she calls to ask for money I tell her he left her enough to survive she should cash in some of her CD's or Money market accounts. I know she does not have any...I refuse to make her financial mistakes my problem and I usually get off the phone when the money issue is raised...The last time she did ask, I told her to get it from my 2 sisters, as they owe her.

I know it's hard, but maybe you will feel better opting out before it starts...

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At her age, it is so hard to admit having "messed up" ... since that might lead someone to believe she is losing capacity...

The contractor should be reported to the AG and BBB (at a minimum) which she might be willing to do to "protect someone else that might fall victim to the scam". Or... to be the "hero" that tries to get this person off the streets as they are apt to prey on another senior that wouldn't catch it.

Every state has Adult Protective Services that can help seniors that fall victim to abuse - which generally includes financial exploitation.

...just a thought...

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Thx for the input everyone.

I've spoken with her a few times, we agreed that if we have a heated issue we'll both agree to postpone the conversation and pick it up later, no hangups though.

I think sometimes mom has learned to thrive on drama, I have enough real life drama to deal with less the home-spun kind.

Its tough to establish boundaries knowing all of the malarkey & shenanigans that go on with my brothers and what not, I really hope mom can regard me as a completely seperate offspring and keep our relationship seperate, again I don't blame her for being cynical and frustrated (I am too) I surely don't want to take any blunt of the BS because I keep open lines of communication with her and happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, kind of a catch 22.

I also agree that it must be hard for her to admit making mistakes on one hand (she's very independent and considerably successful which lends to the difficulties)

life's too short, thats my mom, I refuse to give up on her even when things get very testy at times. Again I also get my feelings hurt by being vented on / dealing with her stress, etc. oh well. Luckily there are plenty of good times, talks and laughs which certainly make up for it.

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Not offended, maybe a little jealous.

Stick with her and be the rock like she was for you growing up. The roles are reversing and it sucks. It is very hard on both parent and child to adapt to the new situation.

I had to fly to NH in August for the family meeting where we resigned ourselves to Mom never coming home from the nursing home and making all the necessary decisions/arrangments as a family. There are 10 of us left out of 13 and we are a very closely knit family.

We had a house full of people at my brothers home where she lived in her own in-law apartment. I had to sleep in her room in her bed. I just pulled the covers back far enough to get at the pillow. When I layed down I put my hand under the pillow and I found her pillow speaker for her scanner.

Since they invented scanners she had one and always had a chip in it for each town she had a child or grandchild in within range. She would listen to it all day and then use the pillow speaker at night. When I touched the pillow speaker, I couldn't help but cry like a baby.

The last few years have been hard. I was the only one who stood up for her keeping her car and license when she turned 85. Basically I said I would make the car and insurance payments and who cares if it sat in the driveway, she could look out the window and still have an illusion of personal freedom. Last summer (2006) she had a very good day and took the car to the grocery and department store and visited a few friends, all local. All my siblings freaked out, but my Mom could not stop taking about it, easily the best day she's had in the last year.

In February she fell filling her bird feeder and broke both wrists and severely tore the tendons.

Since then she has limited use of her hands and I can't call her unless there is someone there to help her with the phone. Being 1500 miles away sucks when I can't call her.

So no, I would not be pissed if she hung up on me (which she would never do to any of her children), I just wish she could pick up the phone.

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