How to Poop at Work

[isislc]

How to Poop at Work

We've all been there but don't like to admit it..

We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt

something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince

ourselves otherwise, the *WORK POOP* is inevitable. For those

who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide

for taking a dump at work.

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around

the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone

else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from.

Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart

has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the

smell has left your pants.

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.

Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in

the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to

become a *FREQUENT FLYER*. People may become suspicious if

they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or

forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a

sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do

not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a

man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal,

pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is

uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing

makes both parties feel uneasy.

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at

a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of

diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic.

Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to

spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant

the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time

the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you

avoid being caught doing the *WALK OF SHAME*.

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the

door after you have just stunk up the bath room.. This can be

a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts

you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell

does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the *COURTESY

FLUSH*.

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work

and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The

Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or

magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for

the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the

building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors

that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce

the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you are in

the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of

the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when

taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall

until the *Turd Burglar* leaves. This way you will avoid all

uncomfortable eye contact.

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants

into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used

to cover-up a *WATERMELON*, or to alert potential *TURD

BURGLAR*. Very effective when used in conjunction with a

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE*.

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert

potential *TURD BURGLARS*that you are occupying a stall. This

will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you

hear a *SHIRLEY TEMPLE*, leave the bathroom immediately so the

pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting

the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If

you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See

*CAMO-COUGH*.

SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF:

*The King Poop* = This kind is the kind of poop that killed

Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty,

trembling and purple from straining so hard.

* Bali Belly Poop* = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.

*Cement Block* = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block

before you poop.

*Cork Poop* = Even after the third flush, it's still floating

in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens

at someone else's house.

*The Bungee Poop* = The kind of poop that just hangs off your

rear before it falls into the water.

*The Crippler* = The kind of poop where you have to sit on

the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

*The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang* = The kind of poop that hits

you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

*The Party Pooper* = The giant poop you take at a party. And

when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water

starts to rise...

NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE

QUIT LAUGHING... POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS

[OMGWhatHaveIdone]

::allhail::OMG I laughed so loud I thought I was going to wake the girls!

C'mon yall.... admit it... someone one somewhere can relate to one if not ALL of these scenarios lol

[chele444]

I am sitting here at work, trying so hard not to laugh out loud that my face is bright red, and I am crying...too funny isis

[tarbaby]

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors

that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce

the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

[OMGWhatHaveIdone]

I am sitting here at work, trying so hard not to laugh out loud that my face is bright red, and I am crying...too funny isis

Working at home really makes me appreciate the fact that I have my own bathroom to use LOL

[isislc]

My DF is definitely guilty of the "Cement Block" or "The Crippler". I always end up yelling at him because I'm usually left to plunge the damn toilet. Keep telling him to leave it at work.

[Amerikaner83]

HORRIBLE!

But yet so damn hilarious!!!!!!!!

[OMGWhatHaveIdone]

My DF is definitely guilty of the "Cement Block" or "The Crippler". I always end up yelling at him because I'm usually left to plunge the damn toilet. Keep telling him to leave it at work.

You know you're a Master Dumper when you can clog up the "power toilets" at work. LOL!

Heck.. even the ones in truck stops are powerful enough to suck the pants off ya if ya aren't careful LOL!

[JustaTexan]

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or

forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a

sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do

not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a

man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal,

pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is

uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing

makes both parties feel uneasy.

:lol::lol::lol:

[jestor151]

Although this version uses "Shirley Temple" in place of "Astaire" from the original version. It also leaves out my favorite from the list, so I've decided to include it.

HAVANA OMELET:

A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the

toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a

Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

It was usually the last one listed, so by the time I got to it on the list, I'd lost any composure I had been trying to maintain. This is probably my all-time favorite email forward.

[Dre]

HA! I did find the bathroom no one uses to do my daily deed in. What a great post?!

[JustaTexan]

HA! I did find the bathroom no one uses to do my daily deed in. What a great post?!

Good to know my friend....... :lol::lol:

[shadokeeper]

I posted this in my bathroom so every one can read it while they are doing the deed ...But ppl keep complaining cause they are laughing and can not poo lol