Methuss

A question of morals

Should I make him pay for the repairs?  

17 members have voted

  1. 1. Should I make him pay for the repairs?



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OK it has been a while since I did an off-topic post. This situation really bugged me today and I'm polling for your opinions.

My father apparently ran a service garbage can down the side of my wife's car last night putting a huge gouge in the paint down the right side. We figured out he had done it by putting together clues on it. He's not admitting he did it openly and actually seems to be trying to "sweep it under the rug."

These are the facts:

He took out the garbage can. We all saw him do it.

He insisted on taking my 2-year old daughter with him carrying her in his left arm which left only his right hand to control this big 100 gallon size, rolling garbage can which was full. (which means he had little control over it if it moved off-course)

We found paint from my wife's car on the garbage can.

When my wife pointed out the gouge, he said "I can buff that out" without even being in view of it.

So I ask you, should I make him pay for repairing it or not?

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Did he make you pay for the fender you dented when you were learning to drive? Did he make you pay for the dishes you broke horsing around in the kitchen when you were a kid? Did he....

If its just paint, let him buff it out...or get some of the that "scratch lifting" stuff they advertise on TV.

IMO, I'm sure you can find a lot more important things to fight with your dad over...pick your battles, dude.

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Scratch is through the paint. Can't buff it out. The way he's trying to hide that he did it makes me wonder about the dent in the hood that appeared one weekend as well...

Actually, I do repair or replace anything I break by accident in the house. I think the most expesive thing I have replaced this past year was a $700 water filtration system where I broke a valve fitting while changing the cartridge. Discontinued product, so no parts. Had to buy a new one...and pay a plumber to install it.

And my wife is mad as hell over it, btw. That vehicle is the first one she has ever owned in her own name. "It's her baby" so to speak.

Edited by Methuss

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Can you validate the dent?

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Do you have homeowners insurance? Maybe that would cover it?

BTW anything you do is likely to change your relationship as well as the relationship they have with your children...

I would tell him it would be ok to buff it out, and when he tries to maybe he will realize it is not possible, and how much damage he has caused....

Then take it somewhere to see it you can have it touched up, and never mention it again.:rolleyes:

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Do you have homeowners insurance? Maybe that would cover it?

BTW anything you do is likely to change your relationship as well as the relationship they have with your children...

I would tell him it would be ok to buff it out, and when he tries to maybe he will realize it is not possible, and how much damage he has caused....

Then take it somewhere to see it you can have it touched up, and never mention it again.:rolleyes:

I would call out csi to check the evidence,which as it stands now,it looks like he's the one who did it.What did the 2 year say or did he bribe her?Have you tried duct taping him to a chair and pull his fingernails out until he confesses.I would pronounce him guilty and just tell him.(Pops pony up the dough).xangelx

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It is very hard to not be upset. I took care of my grandparents before they passed away. For quite a few years it was just my grandfather and I. It was often difficult and as he aged he would cause quite a few things to get dinged and dented. Here's what I learned, its always best to let them try and buff it out, its important that they feel they fixed what they did. Here's the other part, it never really buffs out, but if you make a big deal about it it hurts them. I found my gpa outside one day sitting in the dirt shaking his head no, I walked up and realized he may have been crying. We talked it was then I understood that its really frustrating to them that the things they used to could do and fix are now so difficult, admiting that they can't do it is a crushing blow to their manhood and worth. It was heartbreaking realizing he was trying to fix the lawnmower he had "broken" by running it over a rock, and he didn't have the strength to get something unscrewed. Ok so am I pissed the lawnmower is broken, yes. Am I semi relieved that I caught him before the lawnmower was completely dissassembled, yes. But I just explained (lied) oh it was working weird before it may not have been the rock, don't worry about it. Last time the guy I took it to to sharpen the blades, he really used a pressurized air screwdriver wrench thingy to put those bolts on. My grandfathers response, "ah hell those guys are in the business if ripping you off, I will sharpen the blades from now on, those guys are no good. I gotta watch you or you'll just give your money away to anyone." Also " why in the hell do you let you your grass get so long before you cut it"

Later called my brother who was able to fix the lawnmower and gpa never knew.

So I think let dad buff it out, let him know what a great job he did. Go and get it fixed and let it be.

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It is very hard to not be upset. I took care of my grandparents before they passed away. For quite a few years it was just my grandfather and I. It was often difficult and as he aged he would cause quite a few things to get dinged and dented. Here's what I learned, its always best to let them try and buff it out, its important that they feel they fixed what they did. Here's the other part, it never really buffs out, but if you make a big deal about it it hurts them. I found my gpa outside one day sitting in the dirt shaking his head no, I walked up and realized he may have been crying. We talked it was then I understood that its really frustrating to them that the things they used to could do and fix are now so difficult, admiting that they can't do it is a crushing blow to their manhood and worth. It was heartbreaking realizing he was trying to fix the lawnmower he had "broken" by running it over a rock, and he didn't have the strength to get something unscrewed. Ok so am I pissed the lawnmower is broken, yes. Am I semi relieved that I caught him before the lawnmower was completely dissassembled, yes. But I just explained (lied) oh it was working weird before it may not have been the rock, don't worry about it. Last time the guy I took it to to sharpen the blades, he really used a pressurized air screwdriver wrench thingy to put those bolts on. My grandfathers response, "ah hell those guys are in the business if ripping you off, I will sharpen the blades from now on, those guys are no good. I gotta watch you or you'll just give your money away to anyone." Also " why in the hell do you let you your grass get so long before you cut it"

Later called my brother who was able to fix the lawnmower and gpa never knew.

So I think let dad buff it out, let him know what a great job he did. Go and get it fixed and let it be.

By far the best response I've seen yet. Its sad to see when someone is no longer capable of doing the things they were once depended on for.

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It is very hard to not be upset. I took care of my grandparents before they passed away. For quite a few years it was just my grandfather and I. It was often difficult and as he aged he would cause quite a few things to get dinged and dented. Here's what I learned, its always best to let them try and buff it out, its important that they feel they fixed what they did. Here's the other part, it never really buffs out, but if you make a big deal about it it hurts them. I found my gpa outside one day sitting in the dirt shaking his head no, I walked up and realized he may have been crying. We talked it was then I understood that its really frustrating to them that the things they used to could do and fix are now so difficult, admiting that they can't do it is a crushing blow to their manhood and worth. It was heartbreaking realizing he was trying to fix the lawnmower he had "broken" by running it over a rock, and he didn't have the strength to get something unscrewed. Ok so am I pissed the lawnmower is broken, yes. Am I semi relieved that I caught him before the lawnmower was completely dissassembled, yes. But I just explained (lied) oh it was working weird before it may not have been the rock, don't worry about it. Last time the guy I took it to to sharpen the blades, he really used a pressurized air screwdriver wrench thingy to put those bolts on. My grandfathers response, "ah hell those guys are in the business if ripping you off, I will sharpen the blades from now on, those guys are no good. I gotta watch you or you'll just give your money away to anyone." Also " why in the hell do you let you your grass get so long before you cut it"

Later called my brother who was able to fix the lawnmower and gpa never knew.

So I think let dad buff it out, let him know what a great job he did. Go and get it fixed and let it be.

Point taken.

My anger isn't about the scratch. I'd rather have the car dinged 1000 times over than for him to have dropped my daughter to save the car. What I am mad as hell over is that he did everything possible short of outright lie to hide that he had done it. He's an adult, not a 4-year old. He shouldn't be trying to hide what he did like some child that got busted doing something wrong. Even my mother is mad about that part of it. The lack of taking responsibility.

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Point taken.

My anger isn't about the scratch. I'd rather have the car dinged 1000 times over than for him to have dropped my daughter to save the car. What I am mad as hell over is that he did everything possible short of outright lie to hide that he had done it. He's an adult, not a 4-year old. He shouldn't be trying to hide what he did like some child that got busted doing something wrong. Even my mother is mad about that part of it. The lack of taking responsibility.

In my post i said he should pay.I am a senior and i would pay.It has nothing to do with my mind.Its the right thing to do.I know what it is to not be able to do what i used to do.Now somebody else does it for me.Yes it hurts have i shed a tear YES.But i have come to grips with it.Now i make sure it gets done right.The point is maybe he could pay half.If he can't that's a different story.The golden age is not all gold.lol:)

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They say we grow to a certain point an then the "downhill" part is like going back to infancy. My grandmother got very rebellious, just as a teenager might/does. I totally agree with ditaloca my grandfather was the same. When he got his drivers license taken away he described it as "not being a man anymore", and the incontinence that followed was even harder for him to handle. I understand the "finally having somethng nice" (car) and wanting to take care of it, but if your dad were to leave because of a fight, get sick, hospitalized, or even pass away, would the scratch seem like such a big deal. I would look into insurance home or auto and see if you could resolve it there. You might actually have two 4 year olds now! In a nutshell: Life is short and who knows what tomorrow will bring.

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Each of us has character flaws. You obviously found his! Best that you have a chat with him about it and then let it drop. If it costs a few bucks to fix, chalk it up to the cost of those annoying family issues that are inevitable. These things can take a life on of their own. My stepfather didn't talk to his brother for over 35 years about something very similar that occurred when they were 19 years old.

If this is part of a larger pattern, then maybe the situation changes. It would have been nice if he acknowledged it and then offered to pay though. Definitely thoughtless- and annoying.

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I don't think it makes any difference whether he is your father. HE SHOULD PAY! If this was a friend or a neighbor - wouldn't you make them pay it?

Parents are good at making you feel guilty. The fact that he is covering it up would make me even more insistent. It's just plain wrong.

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Yeah, the lying part is a bummer.

I think its their way of "hiding" to everyone the fact that they can't do what they used to do. I Think they usually think they'll just fix it when noone is looking that way noone will realize they made a booboo.

Another story, came home house has strange smell, worried I find gpa he's fine. Go to kitchen no microwave. Hmmmm. Gpa walks calmly in gets glass of water like nothings happened, I ask where's the microwave? He tells me he threw it away. I ask why, he tells me its broken. I ask how do you know its broken he says it wouldnt cook my soup right. I then suggest we go get a microwave that works, he agrees, we go to sears and get one. I suggest we take extra special care of this one.

I later check the trash bin outside, the microwave is in there its pretty jacked up, also in there... a metal sauce pan.

Needless to say I almost fell over dead, went with gpa 3 days later and bought a whole bunch of plastic containers and drilled it in that these containers cook things in the microwave better...blah blah.

He never mentioned the saucepan. But he did buy me a really nice cookware set for my birthday.

maybe your wife will get a super great gift this year? Maybe not. I would probably just let

Just let dad know how special the car is to you and the wife, then let it go.

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Parents are good at making you feel guilty. The fact that he is covering it up would make me even more insistent. It's just plain wrong.

Agreed. I think there is a portion of him that feel since he is the parent, he can get away with it. Is it right? Not at all. Is it worth ruining the relationship over? Not in my opinion.

We had something similar, albeit not as drastic, happen. I had purchased a nice umbrella stroller for ds when he was about a year old. Normally you could pick umbrella strollers up for $10-30. This particular one I paid $120. My dad took ds for an outing with the stroller and when it wouldnt fold back into place he forced it and it broke. Still works, just looks a little ghetto. I said something to him, he apologized. Didnt offer to replace it. Sure it would have been nice if he did, but im not going to lose sleep over it. Im sure there was far more damage done by me as a child/teenager.

Just my thoughts.

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Another story, came home house has strange smell, worried I find gpa he's fine. Go to kitchen no microwave. Hmmmm. Gpa walks calmly in gets glass of water like nothings happened, I ask where's the microwave? He tells me he threw it away. I ask why, he tells me its broken. I ask how do you know its broken he says it wouldnt cook my soup right. I then suggest we go get a microwave that works, he agrees, we go to sears and get one. I suggest we take extra special care of this one.

I later check the trash bin outside, the microwave is in there its pretty jacked up, also in there... a metal sauce pan.

:lol: Thats funny.

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Bluez LOL

Losing the license is the worst. We had to get a note from the doctor that said (and I'm qouting). "No american can drive for at least 6 months after surgery. They must surrender their drivers lic. To family. After 6 months they must get reevaluated and pay to get their lic. Back"

Gpa was proud that he had broeken the law a lot when he had surgeries in the past, he thought he had really gotten on over on uncle sam. He was also "damn sure never gonna pay money to get his lic back"

After a pacticularly hard and long recovery from surgery he had to wear the diapers too...my grandmother was around at that time and it was hilarious, we came home and he announced to her that he now had to wear "bloomers" just like her (she didn't wear diapers just huge granny style undies, big satin underwear that could double as a parachute in an emergency) She laughed and let him know that he better not get in the habit of letting women know what type of underwear he wore, they might get jealous and steal it. Je grinned, we all laughed. Stigma averted. Later his fancy trick was to put his tighty whiteys over the top of the diapers.

When id go to the store years later he would remind me to pick up granny bloomers if he was running low.

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Family and cars. Family and money. Oy.

You might try this tactic. Get three estimates, then drop a little guilt trip on him.

Ya know Dad, it's not really the money. It's the principle of it. If you'd have said, "My bad, I'm sorry, I screwed up", there's a pretty good chance I woulda said, "Accidents happen and I probably cost you that much and more as a kid."

I went and got estimates to get it fixed. Whether you pay for it or not isn't important. It's the honesty thing. Not owning up to it.

I love you, Dad. But I really am not comfortable with the role reversal of this situation. I feel like the parent and you seem to be acting like the child.

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I would not tell my dad, dad your acting like a kid. Not unless I wanted to start ww3!

I feel your pain being in the middle of a mad wifey and your dad, probably one of the worst places to be.

Also I would not contact midland, unifund or lvnv to collect on the money you feel is owed to you, I'm sure they would do it in a heartbeat.

Buy the wifey some chocolate and remind her of how lucky she is that you aren't like your dad. Get the car repaired.

Buy your dad some granny bloomers tell him if he keeps up the shenanigans your gonna make him wear the bloomers.

Edited by ditaloca

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While the situation seriously sucks, I would suggest that dad’s denial likely comes from embarrassment of not being able to do what he once was capable of. For all my dad has done for me from day 1, he could wreck the car and I wouldn’t say crap, for me just does not rank high enough.

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I've been looking at this thread for the past 2 days, and it still bothers me.

I really can't give you an answer, because there is too much emotion at stake.

My dad--If my dad did this (including the hiding and everything), I would make him pay...including for a rental while the vehicle was in the shop. However, my father is very monitarily oriented and has always shown his love and affection for me via large sums of money. Also, for my father to have hidden something like this, he would probably have been drunk and as an alcoholic who often left me in untenable situations as a child due to his drinking, he does not drink near me or my children. It is completely out of character for my father (a retired Air Force comptroller) to hide anything or shirk financial responsibility.

My mom--I would absolutely let it go. My mother is sweet and often scatter-brained. If she did something like that, I know it would be because she doesn't see things like that as a major problem and because our relationship works on a barter system of helping each other out, she would probably be putting in some extra babysitting hours.

In the end? I have to say that it has to do with your relationship with your father. Making him pay, unless he is the ultra financially responsible type, will probably damage your relationship with him.

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While the situation seriously sucks, I would suggest that dad’s denial likely comes from embarrassment of not being able to do what he once was capable of.

Well apparently this is a pattern of behavior. He has also done damage to my mother's car (a Mazda MX3) more than once through carelessness and, as i found out yesterday, then tried to hide it.

He went to the hardware store and bought some lumber put it in the car through the rear hatch and gouged the dashboard in the process. My mom was out of town for a month when he did it and when she returned he acted like he knew nothing about it.

He shut the garage door one day and hadn't parked the MX3 far enough forward. The braces on the inside of the garage door gouged the rear bumper as the door came down. I actually was there when he did this one, but he apparently told my mom "maybe it happened in a parking lot somewhere" when I was not around.

He backed the MX3 into the Grand Marquis scraped up the rear fender. He painted over the scuff on the Grand Marquis but never said anything about the MX3. For a while we thought it was parking lot damage until a posty-note was found while cleaning up the computer table that read "paint over mazda scuff on GM bumper." The MX3 is a leased car, so this is going to cost some bucks when the car is turned in.

It's a level of carelessness that borders on a lack of respect for other people's things. Not one I've really seen until the past couple years. I'm not sure what to make of the dishonesty. If he has always been this way, I didn't notice as I was growing up. But now that my parents live with us, it's becoming a real problem.

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Well apparently this is a pattern of behavior. He has also done damage to my mother's car (a Mazda MX3) more than once through carelessness and, as i found out yesterday, then tried to hide it.

He went to the hardware store and bought some lumber put it in the car through the rear hatch and gouged the dashboard in the process. My mom was out of town for a month when he did it and when she returned he acted like he knew nothing about it.

He shut the garage door one day and hadn't parked the MX3 far enough forward. The braces on the inside of the garage door gouged the rear bumper as the door came down. I actually was there when he did this one, but he apparently told my mom "maybe it happened in a parking lot somewhere" when I was not around.

He backed the MX3 into the Grand Marquis scraped up the rear fender. He painted over the scuff on the Grand Marquis but never said anything about the MX3. For a while we thought it was parking lot damage until a posty-note was found while cleaning up the computer table that read "paint over mazda scuff on GM bumper." The MX3 is a leased car, so this is going to cost some bucks when the car is turned in.

It's a level of carelessness that borders on a lack of respect for other people's things. Not one I've really seen until the past couple years. I'm not sure what to make of the dishonesty. If he has always been this way, I didn't notice as I was growing up. But now that my parents live with us, it's becoming a real problem.

As a senior i know about these things as i have done the garage thing my self.He's careless and you don't notice it when your a kid.So there's nothing wrong with his mind.I also did the wood thing only with a company truck (windshield).It has nothing to do with age it's being careless.So i say pop's has to pay history tells us that there's a pattern there.It has nothing to do with age and oh well he's old.The wise old owl.You guys say well he's family and should be overlooked.Some things yes just let it go.But this fits a pattern of :dunno:anything about it.If your going to scratch everybody's car,then you have to pony up the dough.The i didn't see anything or know what happen is not going to fly.A senior xangelx

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I think I would feel different if he said that his dad told him about it. If you replace what you break then I don't see why he can't pay for the damages.

My mom hit a curb in my sister car and she scratched the rim. She immediately went to the bank and deposited the $200 she thought it would cost to replace it before she even told my sister. Now my sister ended up going and putting in back in her bank. That was mostly because she really didn't have to say anything and no one would probably have noticed for a while. Problem is, if it was her husbands car she was driving I'm not so sure that he would feel the same way. It's his "baby" and he doesn't have that deep emotional connection because it's not his mom. I can understand your wife being mad.

If your father loves you and he knows he did it, it shouldn't affect your relationship.

Did he make you pay for the fender you dented when you were learning to drive? Did he make you pay for the dishes you broke horsing around in the kitchen when you were a kid? Did he....

Now that argument isn't fair. I'm a parent and I don't feel like my kids owe me anything because I made the decision to have kids and to deal with what comes along with that.

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