bad98roadster 35 Posted September 28, 2011 Report Share Posted September 28, 2011 These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you sh*tting me? _________________________________________ (My Favorite) ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ (Another favorite) ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral.. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law. 1 Quote Link to post Share on other sites
DonqIII 34 Posted September 29, 2011 Report Share Posted September 29, 2011 Thank you, thank you, thank you.... for posting this.I really needed a good laugh..... Quote Link to post Share on other sites
kitefish 10 Posted September 30, 2011 Report Share Posted September 30, 2011 I needed a good laugh,Thanks ! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
TomnTex 389 Posted September 30, 2011 Report Share Posted September 30, 2011 Great, keep em coming. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
daynarankin 10 Posted October 24, 2011 Report Share Posted October 24, 2011 Lol, that is real funny, I really needed something like this to go on. Thanks anyways. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Thunder-Bolt 80 Posted October 26, 2011 Report Share Posted October 26, 2011 LMAO...Thanks....Favorite was the bearded one. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
karnoir 10 Posted December 11, 2011 Report Share Posted December 11, 2011 Priceless Quote Link to post Share on other sites
notgoingdown1 10 Posted January 5, 2012 Report Share Posted January 5, 2012 My favorite..... when does one know they've died in their sleep? THE NEXT MORNING of course Quote Link to post Share on other sites
CreditMaker 10 Posted January 6, 2012 Report Share Posted January 6, 2012 These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS: He said , 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? WITNESS: My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor , isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep , he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? ____________________________________ ATTORNEY: The youngest son , the 20-year-old , how old is he? WITNESS: He's 20 , much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS: Are you sh*tting me? _________________________________________ (My Favorite) ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ (Another favorite) ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual? WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female? WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them.. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral , OK? What school did you go to? WITNESS: Oral.. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not , he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.My favorites were #4,#5, and #7. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
inthesticks 30 Posted January 7, 2012 Report Share Posted January 7, 2012 Ever read Helter Skelter? One of the defense lawyers kept asking prospective jurors if "you or any member of your family has ever been the victim of a homicide." It took one of the other defense attorneys to point out to him that if the prospective juror had been the victim of a homicide he probably wouldn't be of much use on a jury.Also a classic story about defense attorney Irving Kanarek once objecting to a witness stating his name because, since he had first heard it from his mother, it was hearsay. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
life is good 10 Posted January 7, 2012 Report Share Posted January 7, 2012 thanks for posting this; I just love a good laugh~~! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
VLDCA 23 Posted January 8, 2012 Report Share Posted January 8, 2012 OMGosh I loved it. This is too funny!! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
mj22 10 Posted January 25, 2012 Report Share Posted January 25, 2012 Awesome thread. thank you for the laugh. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
swiftmoney 10 Posted February 22, 2012 Report Share Posted February 22, 2012 Wow man this is funny really funny. Poor ATTORNEY....HAhahahah Quote Link to post Share on other sites
bookreader 18 Posted February 25, 2012 Report Share Posted February 25, 2012 the first one is gold!this is not from an actual case (at least I don't think, but funny nonetheless)Q. When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
ikuomanero 14 Posted March 17, 2012 Report Share Posted March 17, 2012 This thread reminds me of the movie "Liar Liar".----------------------Lawyer: Your honor, I object to this evidence!Judge: On what grounds?Lawyer: Because it's damaging to my case!Judge: OVERRULED!Lawyer: ...Good call!----------------------Classic! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
shaunof99 10 Posted March 27, 2012 Report Share Posted March 27, 2012 By the Court: You may call your next witness.By Defendant's Attorney: Your Honor, at this time I would like to swat [opposing counsel] on the head with his client's deposition.The Court: You mean read it?Defendant's Attorney: No, Sir. I mean to swat him on the head with it. Pursuant to Rule 32, I may use the deposition "for any purpose" and that's the purpose I want to use it for.The Court: Well, it does say that.Quiet pause.The Court: There being no objection, you may proceed.Defendant's Attorney: Thank you, Judge.Thereafter, Defendant's attorney swatted plaintiff's attorney on the head with the deposition.By Plaintiff's Attorney (the victim): But Judge ...The Court: Next witness.Plaintiff's Attorney: ... We object.The Court: Sustained. Next witness. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
shaunof99 10 Posted March 27, 2012 Report Share Posted March 27, 2012 A Charlotte, North Carolina lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against fire, among other things. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy, the lawyer filed claim against the insurance company.In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost in a series of small fires. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.The lawyer sued ... and WON! (Stay with me here.)In delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous. The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer "held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable fire" and was obligated to pay the claim.Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the rare cigars lost in the "fires."NOW FOR THE BEST PART...After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine. ************************************************Lawyer: "Now sir, I'm sure you are an intelligent and honest man--"Witness: "Thank you. If I weren't under oath, I'd return the compliment. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Savoir 312 Posted March 27, 2012 Report Share Posted March 27, 2012 That is the best story I've read in years ........ Quote Link to post Share on other sites
jdfkl 10 Posted March 28, 2012 Report Share Posted March 28, 2012 Thanks for this. I NEEEEEEEEEED a good chuckle! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
arbcap 10 Posted May 8, 2012 Report Share Posted May 8, 2012 Those are hilarious and I also am in need of a good laugh. Quote Link to post Share on other sites
4ever 14 Posted May 30, 2012 Report Share Posted May 30, 2012 Classic! Thanks for the laughs! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
unemployednomore 39 Posted June 9, 2012 Report Share Posted June 9, 2012 "Unless the circus is in town..."lol! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
Kinger1457 10 Posted June 11, 2012 Report Share Posted June 11, 2012 needed this lol Quote Link to post Share on other sites
genericname 10 Posted July 16, 2012 Report Share Posted July 16, 2012 hahaha i love the cigar story! Quote Link to post Share on other sites
